The strange thing about players is that Hollywood has been portraying them in a way that made them charming and ‘savable’. They’re portrayed as these charming, mysterious beings. Hence when we encounter them in reality we automatically have this sympathy towards them. What they really are, are fragile boys that once (or more) got hurt and never got to recover from it. They avoid being vulnerable at all costs, hence they are insensitive towards your feelings. I’ll explain more in-depth the warning signs of a player. Here’s what you’ll read in this article:
Let’s define what a player is – A player explained psychologically
A Player – A guy, a man, that is seeing multiple people (with or without you knowing about it) that doesn’t have consideration towards your feelings, and will tell you anything it takes to ‘play’ you into bed. I.e he’s not looking for commitment, but will play games to make you think he is. According to Psychology Today, the term ‘Player’ is also used when that’s not the actual case. The term is used quite frequently by women who like to have control during the dating process. The truth about players is that they’ve been emotionally hurt. It’s about hurtful past experiences either from their childhood, or a past experience with another person they were romantically involved with. If a player has been emotionally hurt during childhood usually by his mother. This can be explained with the Mother complex – a theory by Carl Jung according to which this way of dating is called Don Juanism. Now the player that practices Don Juanism, is unconsciously constantly looking for his mother in the women he sees. Note: in heterosexual connections. Usually the mother presents a caring, providing and nurturing figure, and in the case of a player that hasn’t felt loved by his mother in his childhood, he will seek comfort in other women, not just one, but in multiple women at the same time. If he got hurt by a past romantic experience with a woman, he will block himself emotionally in order to not open up to let anyone in. Since the thought of fragility now scares them. They’ve been hurt, and they’re constantly trying to avoid it. So, a player in the depth, is just as fragile as anyone else is. The thing about them is that they’re consciously and unconsciously dealing with problems and trying to avoid getting hurt at all costs. A player will be able to start working on his problems/demons only if he acknowledges them. It is something they have to solve and deal with themselves, it is not about a solid simple thing someone can provide.
Introduction to a player’s game – How he tricks you
They know exactly what you want to hear, and they say it.
We’re talking about a highly advanced game, to get you hooked, and they do. It’s about studying you, knowing your type, and using it to seduce you.
They make you feel insecure.
He doesn’t want you knowing your worth, nor you being confident about what and who you are/present. Because knowing your worth, you’d know you deserve better, and have enough courage to speak about what’s hurting you and cut it off.
They fake emotions – They don’t care about yours.
Especially during debates, they try to use their looks, their abilities to say what hits your weak points, and use it against you, in order to make you feel insecure and guilty for what you said to them, even if it is their fault to begin with.
They create an image of themselves, sell it to you, manipulate you to believe everything they say, just so they’ll have admiration from you (and other people).
They know they look good, they use their charm to manipulate you. Especially with their face expressions, and abilities to make things sound so true.
They react strangely to rejection.
They’ll use everything they can to make you feel guilty for rejecting them. They’ll play the victim, they’ll do what it takes. In some other cases they don’t accept it, and become rude all of a sudden. As they don’t handle ‘negative emotions’ very well.
Is he playing you? – Signs he’s a player
Now that we have a better understanding of what a player is and why he is that way, we can move on to the signs he’ll give off if you’re already involved with him. More tips on How to know if a guy is playing you and how you can get over a player. Here, here are the signs he’s playing you:
1. He’s got this unbelievable ability to make you feel guilty and insecure
His game is well thought out in order for him to avoid getting hurt or ‘humiliated’. You can notice this especially when in an argument, he tries to flip the situation and put the blame on you. Here’s a more specific example: You’re very confident, and angry perhaps, to let him know of something he did that hurt you. You tell him. The debate starts, he’s playing the victim, perhaps shouting a little, getting angry, and accusing you for accusing him of ‘such a thing’. You’re left feeling guilty and sorry for bringing it up. “I could’ve just shut up instead. I can’t believe I’m so selfish!” End of story. It didn’t happen once, it didn’t happen twice, it happened more than that.
2. He doesn’t put much effort, unless it’s about sex
He doesn’t bother to take you out, or ‘invest’ time, money, or emotions on “the relationship”. What he actually does, is he’s the nicest, kindest when he’s around, but doesn’t notice you when out in public. He starts preparing the bed when it’s time to sleep – he reaches out to you, only when you have to meet up which is always at his place or yours, or anywhere it is only the two of you. Notice how he always finds excuses not to stay over after ‘the fun time’ is done.
3. He’s always trying to make it about sex/sexting – He only reaches out late at night
So, he barely reaches out to you, and when he texts you, you notice him constantly trying to make it about sex. He’s almost desperate to lead the conversation towards sexting. It is one of the signs he’s not interested through text. You see, they need attention, affection, and love, but since they’re not emotionally available, they just need the superficial. They want sex, sexting, but they don’t want the emotional, connection, the bonding that the sex comes with. Would a player text you every day? Here are 10 reasons why he would!
4. He plays the victim
Every single time. You let him know that you don’t feel very well that he’s only contacting you right before you two do the baby-making process. He hits you with something like: “Babe I get only one free day of the week, and I choose it to spend it with you. Now you’re telling me that I only contact you for sex? What about me? How do you think I feel about being alone all week?!” It gets more dramatic than that. But that’s not the point. The point is, they play the victim in order to make you feel guilty, and to make you question your standards.
5. He’s not putting any effort on “the title” – “Babe, you know how I feel about you!”
You ask him the grand question: “What are we? Are we a couple, or friends, or friends with benefits? What are we really?” And he does everything to avoid answering your question straightforwardly. He can hit you with something like “Babe… babe, you know how I feel about you. There’s no need for labels.” He might even continue it even further to make you feel silly and guilty for ‘putting him in such a position’. In a few words, he wants to be discreet, and he’ll find his ways to do it.
6. He vanishes from time to time
He ghosts you, and he comes back. He does this quite often, and in a repeating manner – He just stops texting. Note how long he goes away for. It can be weeks or even months; and when he comes back he goes with the acting casual like “Hey stranger!”. I want you to think about it, and decide. Do you want to reply, or keep being a stranger?
7. You feel the pressure to give him space
It’s all those exhausting mind games he’s playing with you, and he’s doing it so well. You often feel like giving him the space he needs so bad because you’ve been suffocating him with all your neediness. We’re all needy for something. In your case he’s too needy of sex, but you know, it’s the only time you see him, and whenever you bring it up, he starts with the drama, so you just f*cking drop it. The thing is, he’ll talk about the things, and do the things that make you go “I’m too needy, I got to give him space!”. He knows all about the games, he will obviously use the knowledge.
8. He gets/got cold after sex
Yes, he gets cold after sex, and you’re left wondering about what you did wrong, or what you said wrong. This can be explained by their incapability of connection, their fear of building a connection which then exposes them to vulnerability. Sex is also a way of connecting with one another, it involves a lot of intimacy and vulnerability, and a player will not be capable of handling well the cuddling and pillowtalk too – He goes cold so that he can avoid it.
9. He doesn’t trust you – He’s controlling & jealous
His insides are chaotic, hence he’ll cause chaos to others – He’s reflecting his relation with himself. He’s seeing other people (most probably hiding this from you), hence he’ll doubt that you’re doing the same thing behind his back. He can’t trust anyone, because his trust has been tested before and it is one of the reasons he is the way he is today. He can’t trust you, that’s why he won’t let you in, and that’s why he won’t let you see the vulnerable in him.
10. His words don’t match his actions – Lies, lies, lies!
You caught him lying perhaps about more than one thing. He’ll say he’ll do something, but he does something completely different. To put it plainly, he lies to you about things.
11. You never see him on the weekends
He uses his weekends for other things. Perhaps he’s got a relationship with someone else, and is spending his weekends with them. The point is, he will avoid spending time with you. The reason? Spending time with one another can lead to knowing more about one another which then leads to a connection, or a bonding to form. He will avoid that as much as he can.
12. He’s very protective to his phone
He’s got all these female friends he doesn’t want you to know about (perhaps his socials are full of them). He also got contacts and messages, and all these things you shouldn’t see, hence he’s sensitive when it comes to the phone – He’ll do his best for you not to see his phone around.
13. It’s been a while, and he hasn’t introduced you to people
I was in doubt if I should be involving this sign or not. But I did, because if it is combined with the other signs, this one can be quite a big indicator. I’m not talking about 3 months of knowing him, I’m talking about a year and more since you’ve met. If he hasn’t introduced you to anyone close to him yet, then he most probably is playing games. Note: Do not take this sign alone, as one can have a lot of other reasons, besides playing, why they don’t introduce someone to their close people (friends or family, or whoever is close to him).
How to tell he’s a player? – Spotting a player before you get too involved with him
This is about those who haven’t got involved in too much yet. Perhaps you’re texting, or just talking every now and then (though this is not how most players ‘perform’), whatever the case is, is you haven’t kissed him, had sex with him, or got in too deep yet, here’s how to tell if a guy is a player:
1. “I don’t want anything serious, but I want to know you better”
He tells you similar things at the very beginning. He doesn’t want anything serious, but he wants to know you better. Okay sir, then what do you get from knowing me better? Kissing? Having sex? And then leaving with no explanation? You know your own standards, but I’d choose not to let him ‘know me better’, unless you’re not into anything serious either.
2. Everything so perfect about him, but something just feels off
You hear everything you ever wanted to hear – It’s too good to be true. That’s because he knows exactly what you want to hear, and he will use exactly that to get you hooked. You spotted him.
3. He’s super confident – Almost cocky
Perhaps not even cocky, but he knows when he crosses the line, so he won’t do that. Back to the point: He’s super confident and it’s intimidating. He’s got the looks, and he knows it. He’s got the charm, he’s got the words – he’s fully armed with what it takes to get someone hooked.
4. He’s coming on too strong at the very beginning of knowing you
You’ve just introduced yourselves, and he’s already talking to you about how many kids he’d like to have in the future. But trust me, when it comes to the real talk about it he’ll pull away, and you will notice. Or maybe he just got out of a relationship and is already going with the “Babe”, “You’re so important to me”, and other similar lines that take time to feel them in order to say them.
5. He tries to move things too fast
The thing is he’ll make everything move fast, in order for you to not suspect much, not waste time, and go straight to the point which is: sex. That’s why he starts with the words like ‘babe’, or ‘sexy’, and you notice this on the first day that you meet him. You met him today, and you already feel like you’re in a relationship. Girl, boy, whatever you are, run!
6. He texts you late at night only
Perhaps you haven’t met yet, you’re just still in the texting phase (which with players doesn’t last long), but whenever he texts, he does it late at night only. The reason for that? He wants to get into the sexting, so he makes room to kiss or even have sex for when you meet. He’s smart, but not too smart!
7. He’s telling you all about his crazy exes
He wants you to feel sorry for him for being treated badly by some crazy girls that didn’t know his worth. Well, if he doesn’t respect the time with them, he won’t respect the time with you either. He’s talking badly about people already, what can you expect from him?
8. He doesn’t pay attention to what you say and forgets every time
Perhaps he asks things, but he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t pay attention to the wisdom that you’re preaching. That’s why he says “What?” or gets surprised when you mention something that you already told him before. Girl, boy, whatever you are, run before you get too involved with him.
9. He goes “I’m not a player” without even asking him
Yes, so he’s trying to sell you that image. You know the feeling when you’re guilty of something and you get suspicious that everyone is about to know of the thing you did, so you try to act casual about it? This is the case for our boy too. You didn’t even ask, you didn’t say a damn thing about ‘playing’, or ‘player’, he just went on talking about it, oh he’s talking the talk!!
10. He’s been with a lot of people you know of
Listen, if a lot of friends from your friend group have stories about him, then, it is not a very good sign. Sure, the world is small sometimes, but if it is more than one friend that tells you they had to do with him, then you might want to think about it a little longer before you get into it. Find out If You’re dating the right or the wrong person There were so many questions about this topic, some of them already expected from you people! Here they are:
“What are the signs that a player is falling in love with you?”
Okay, so a player is first a human, then is a man, then is a player, right? So, he’s a man falling in love with you, unless you don’t believe he’s a male human. However, here are a few things you can focus a bit more on: He’s playing no games anymore – That’s why they’re called players, they play games. But he can’t do them with someone who he’s falling for. It’s just love. He’ll want to spend time out of the bedroom – He’ll want to take you out. He finds time for you no matter what. He’ll start opening up – about the daily things in his life, his problems, and his past. This is one of the most difficult things a player can do. It has to do a lot with intimacy and I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about closeness and vulnerability with another. He will keep in touch in a consistent manner – he will reach out to you and keep you close to him and updated to what he’s doing. And, he won’t tell you things so you feel sorry for him, he will tell you things that are genuine and pure. You’ll know it when he does it.
“Do players fall in love?”
Of course they do fall in love. As I said above, he is first a human, then he’s a man, THEN he’s a player. He’s made of bones, flesh, feelings, emotions, hormones, troubles, and everything a human is made of. He perhaps tries to deny it, but he gives off signs he loves you. Of course he falls in love.
“Can I change a player?”
Not really. However, if he chooses to change, If you want to be with him (as he is) , you must know that there’ll be challenges. Especially if YOU try to change him. A good approach to the situation would be helping him. You can be there and stand by his side on his journey to healing, instead of trying to change him in order to benefit your own self. He has to make the decision he wants to change. There’s not much you can do about it, unless you choose to stay by his side and help him.
“I want to make a player fall in love with me. How can I do that?”
There are no tips or tricks to make someone fall in love, forget the ‘steps’, the ‘free excellent videos’, the ‘this will make him fall for you’! What makes a player fall in love entirely depends on his type, his personality, his preferences, the social environment he grew up in, and a lot of other factors. Players, despite from what they’re judged to be like, have and can develop feelings. The issue is that they cannot commit, and have difficulties being intimate and showing their vulnerability.
“I fell in love with a player, now he’s ignoring me. What do I do about it?”
Just like he has to acknowledge his inner problems in order to start working on them, so do you. Look deep in yourself, and see what is attracting you to this man, what made you fall for him. Usually girls that fall for these men, and get attached to them, have the father complex or also known in the society as ‘daddy issues’. They unconsciously see their father figure in him, and get attached to him. Focus on yourself, and wellbeing. Try to let go of your attachment with him, and be open to working on yourself.
“Can a player commit to a relationship?”
Most of the cases a player cannot commit to a relationship. As that is the main issue to why they’re called players. They’re not interested in a relationship. However, if they choose to acknowledge their inner issues, and choose to start working on finding what’s troubling them, they might as well be able to commit to a relationship. A lot of people that are struggling with this, choose to go to therapy, and find it helpful in solving the things causing them to cause trouble.
Conclusion – What we’ve learnt
One of the reasons why so many girls fall for such men is because they strongly believe that they can change them. That’s because of this very combination: Lesson: Don’t get involved, unless what you’re looking for is drama, or if you think he’s willing to start healing and [you]want to stay and help on his journey. Take good care, Callisto
