The worst thing about such a situation is that it feels like you just cannot catch a break. Even if you say something to defend yourself, try to placate your partner, or even offer a tissue, they only seem to get more incensed by every single thing that you do. And so you start to think that the problem is with you. Right? Well, wrong. We won’t deny it, there’s definitely something brewing in your relationship and maybe even making it toxic and uncomfortable. The important thing to remember here is that it may not actually be about you. So what is it about and how can you mitigate this constant tension in your relationship? Counseling psychologist Ridhi Golechha (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in counseling for loveless marriages, breakups, and other relationship issues, offers some insight into why every conversation turns into an argument in some relationships and how to deal with it.
Why Do Our Conversations Turn Into Arguments?
Maybe he loved the fiery spirit within you before but now can’t help but pick a fight over the fact that you always point out the problems with the road signs in your neighborhood. Perhaps she loved it before when you thoughtfully brought Asian takeout home for her after work but now she’s losing her marbles over the fact that you forgot the wasabi. It starts with minor triggers. That’s how every conversation turns into an argument. You know that wasabi or road signs are not major things to be fighting about. There’s something deeper going on here. It could be a general lack of affection and intimacy, projection of other problems, or some kind of inferiority complex that is gradually making your partner change into someone who turns every conversation into an argument. Whatever it may be, it’s time to sort it out and think things through before wasabi becomes the reason your relationship falls apart completely. If every conversation turns into an argument, you can be sure that there are some deeper, more serious issues at play. We can all agree that expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument, and yet we often end up being entangled in the web of a heated exchange. Delving deeper into the topic to trace its roots can help you understand why your spouse thinks every conversation is an argument. Here are some plausible reasons:
Ineffective communication: Perhaps you communicate in a way that the intended message doesn’t get across. An aggressive and hostile way of expressing oneself can cause damage over time. It all boils down to “how you said it” matters more than “what you said”. Look for the signs of bad communication in a relationship and guard against thoseUnintentional attacks: Unintentional attacks can get misconstrued as intentional. This sets off a cycle of hurt in motion where the partners take turns to hurl accusations and allegations. The end result? Every conversation turns into an argumentDeep-seated insecurities: Insecurities creep up to burden the conversations. Does your husband turn everything into an argument? Perhaps he saw you with your ex and now his insecurities are getting the better of himAnger issues: If a person turns every conversation into an argument, the reason can be underlying anger management issues. Inability to rein in anger, losing temper at the drop of a hat, and frustrating emotions all over the place, all lead to a messed-up conversationSuppressed emotions: Displaced negativity forms another evil nexus between suppressed emotions and frequent squabbles. The stressful emotions that did not find vent elsewhere, make their way into your conversations, leaving you caught up in arguments
What To Do When Every Conversation Turns Into An Argument With Your Partner?
Payton Zubke, a freelance writer, had been dating Miles Kushner for a year and a half. In that time, the two had gone through some stressors in their relationship, the remnants of which were creeping into their daily encounters. Payton says, “My boyfriend turns everything into an argument, and for no real reason! He’s still upset that another guy tried to kiss me at a friend’s party, which is why he’s now taking it out on me every way he can. We can’t even agree on where we want to get lunch together anymore. Every conversation turns into an argument and it’s driving me up the wall.” As unreasonable as it may seem, these little occurrences and instances are the reason we subconsciously start behaving oddly with our partners and start disrupting our love lives. Expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument. It spells doom for the relationship. But don’t worry. We have the right strategy for you. Here is what you should do with your partner when every conversation turns into an argument in your relationship:
1. Take a time-out when he starts an argument for no reason
Ridhi suggests taking a time-out from the argument to break this cycle. “When two people are really angry and having an intense discussion, it can begin to feel like every conversation is an argument. It may lead to cursing and even abuse. It is possible that you may no longer be parked on the issue at hand and mistakes from your past may be brought up. That’s where a time-out can be very helpful.” Since you have clearly digressed from the problem at hand, everything you say to each other will be fruitless and only hurtful. Now before this flurry of hurtful words completely destroys your evening and mars your relationship, walk out of the room and catch a breath. It’s important that you hold yourself together instead of continuing to attack each other with pointless remarks.
2. Be more mindful of what you are saying when every conversation turns into an argument
This argument conversation example will show you exactly what could be going wrong with your tone and style of arguing. “You’re a liar!” is met with a, “I don’t care what you think!” or, “I’m sick of your behavior!” incites an “I’ll do as I please!” See where we’re going with this? The thing with constant arguing in a relationship is that you’ll definitely say something that you regret. The moment you stop being overly expressive of your negative emotions, your argument might just take a constructive turn and there is a chance of conflict resolution. Otherwise, it’s just a series of personal attacks that will bring you down for the longest time. In other words, avoid hurting those egos and zip it when you can and should.
3. Start giving each other more time
Chrysa Neeman, a high school teacher told us, “I know why every conversation turns into an argument with my husband! All he does when he comes home after work is put up his feet, kick back, and ask me to fetch him a beer. This is what my marriage has come to and I’m not having it. He never even asks me about my day anymore and the two of us have grown very distant and complacent in our relationship.” When you fight every day in a relationship, your problem might not be that your wife forgot to call the plumber or that she made ravioli for dinner AGAIN. Maybe the root cause is that you two have lost that romantic spark and are struggling with feeling like the lovebirds you two used to be. This can be unsettling for both partners and it’s possible that the resultant frustration is being channeled as irritability toward one another. If you find your boyfriend or girlfriend picking fights for no reason, it could be because the fizzling-out love is unnerving him/her.
4. If you fight every day in a relationship, work on your anger issues
When every conversation turns into an argument in your relationship, it is possible that one or both of you need to rein in your anger and frustration a little bit. Your emotions might be spilling all over the place and could eventually drive your love life into a ditch. Even though expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument, you need to regulate how you express yourself. To prevent this situation from worsening, Ridhi advises addressing underlying anger issues. She says, “There are times when you are angry and not thinking straight. You are not yourself and bring up a lot of irrelevant emotional baggage. That’s when both people need to take responsibility and work on one’s anger with the help of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, reflections, journaling, and so on.”
5. Try to consider their perspective and think about why they may be right
Yeah, your boyfriend turns everything into an argument but where is all this negativity coming from? Or your girlfriend cannot stop picking on you but why is that really? Something is clearly bothering them far too much and the fact that they didn’t have their morning coffee might not be the only reason. While we do agree that pointing fingers and blame-shifting are not conducive to resolving an argument, someone has to be responsible and apologize. Perhaps, it’s time you start handling these situations a little differently. Take some time to cool down, go be in your own space for a little bit and think about why you could be triggering your partner. Is there a recurring habit of yours that is getting on their nerves? Or are they not feeling seen by you? Check if they’re dealing with work-related stress that is making him irritable. Did they have a bad day at work? Is the constant pressure of chasing the deadlines leaving them bad-tempered? Are your expectations from your partner too high or unrealistic? When every conversation turns into an argument, it’s time to reflect upon what you could be doing wrong.
6. Find your individual purpose to avoid constant arguing in a relationship
So you’re complaining that in your relationship, every conversation turns into an argument and you’re unsure of what to do next. But have you thought about what is internally going haywire that could be making you this way? Why do I turn everything into an argument, you ask? Well, maybe because you’ve given up on passions and interests that made you the person you are. For someone who thinks every conversation is an argument, the remedy could be as simple as taking up a recreational activity to keep oneself creatively engaged. Whether it’s picking up that old paintbrush or taking that rusty motorbike out for a spin, do something that brings you joy. Ridhi tells us, “Sometimes people pick arguments without reason because they are already stressed and maybe living an unfulfilled life. Maybe they don’t have a purpose or goal in life yet, which makes their partner their entire focal point. Now that’s too much pressure to place on an individual! Finding a purpose becomes essential so that your mental health is not compromised and also you can be fully present in a relationship.”
7. Lose the ego before you talk about an argument
Respecting yourself and asking for what you deserve is one thing. But letting your ego get the better of you quite another. It can quickly upturn all your efforts when you are trying to resolve an issue. When a person is feeling betrayed, they quickly gather themselves and want to put up a bold front to avoid getting hurt. But that doesn’t sit well with trying to work things out. So instead of saying things like “I can’t believe you would do that to me”, say something like “I’m deeply hurt that you did this” when you talk about an argument and discuss the problem at hand. When you let your guard down and put both feet in, it can turn the conversation around and make it ten times more productive. When dealing with someone who turns every conversation into an argument, try talking things out without any guarding pretensions.
8. Your girlfriend picking fights for no reason is not because she got her period, so ask her what’s wrong
Saying, “Are you just losing it because you’re on your period, boo?”, will only make her want to smack you in the face even more. Adding a ‘boo’ to that tired and demeaning line is not going to work in your favor, so lose the cutesy attitude and ask her what’s really going wrong. Stop jumping to conclusions and throwing reasons at her that may or may not be the cause of her bad mood and tantrums. This is one of the things that annoy women. Even when you are sick and tired of your girlfriend picking fights for no reason, there could be something serious brewing that you are unable to pinpoint. So before dismissing her and assuming what’s going on, make the effort to ask and understand. It can be annoying when every conversation turns into an argument, we know. But if you repeatedly brush it off or call the whole thing ‘silly’, it will only make your situation worse.
9. Remain present in the fight and don’t bring up the past
When a fight becomes intense, you could both begin to lose your temper. In such a case, you might bring up instances and unresolved issues that hurt you in the past to deal with the frustration. As human as it is to resort to such a defensive play, attacking your partner for their past mistakes is not going to resolve the problem you’ve at hand today. Someone who turns every conversation into an argument will dig up the buried skeletons to defend and guard themselves. Ridhi tells us, “Constant arguing in a relationship will stop when both partners focus only on the issue at hand. One needs to be present in the fight and not try to bring up past issues or past shortcomings of your partner. Don’t bring your emotional baggage to the current situation.”
How Do You Stop A Heated Argument?
Conflicts are a part and parcel of every relationship. But the good thing is that you can turn an argument on its head with some deliberation and perseverance. Girlfriend picking fights for no reason? Ditch that urge to snap back at her with a criticizing retort. It is no time to play blame games. Husband turns everything into an argument? Instead of succumbing to the defensive action, steer the conversation to take a U-turn. A heated argument can be stopped midway if you consciously decide to: Some sour encounters don’t mean your love life has gone off track. But little annoyances, neglecting the situation or blaming the other person constantly, can make your problems a whole lot worse. Take a step back and process this problem in your relationship when every conversation turns into an argument. Then take a step towards being a better you and creating a more wholesome relationship. Remember, communication is key.
