The question of whether you should just ignore your cheating husband and move on or stay with someone who cheated on you is perhaps the most daunting of them all. Even though walking away from a cheating spouse may be your first instinct, breaking up a marriage isn’t always easy. But if you choose to stay, will it only encourage him to stray even further? There are no right or wrong choices in this situation, and definitely, no easy choices. We know you’re hurting and we’re not here to say that we know how you feel or that reading these tips to deal with a cheating husband will somehow make the pain go away. Because let’s face it, there is no rule book that guarantees perfect relationships nor is there any easy way to deal with a cheating husband. But every problem comes with a solution and this one is no exception. Here we have compiled some tips and ideas on what to do when you find out your husband is cheating. Take a deep breath, and heed this advice on how to deal with a cheating husband to start the process of handling the situation to the best of your ability.
How To Deal With A Cheating Husband – 14 Tips
After 3 years of marriage with Ross, Linda was pregnant. To help Linda, her cousin, Susan, came to stay with them. And before Linda could deliver her first child, Ross was completely into Susan. The most joyous time of her life was blotched with Ross’ cheating. Linda was left wondering, “Should I leave my husband for cheating?” The realization that her unborn child would need a father held her back from packing her bags and storming out. Instead, she committed herself to deal with the pain of a cheating husband without letting it take a toll on her physical and mental health and that of her child. Being a woman of brain and tactics, she handled the situation smartly. Rather than being consumed by the thought that she was dealing with an unfaithful husband, she chose to get her priorities in order, which for her, at the time, was saving her marriage for the sake of her newborn child. This is a tough situation and every relationship is different but you can gather the pieces and take a good look at your options when you’re wondering how to cope with a cheating husband. Even though it may seem impossible, you can coexist with a husband having affairs if your circumstances aren’t conducive to walking out of the marriage. To make this agonizing journey just a tad bearable, here are 14 tips on how to deal with a cheating husband:
1. Double check your facts
You might have an inkling that something is amiss. You may have been noticing some cheating partner signs but can’t say for sure. Women are intuitive beings but pause and verify. Check and double-check to make sure if you’re in fact dealing with an unfaithful husband. For instance, if your husband is spending a lot of time hooked to his phone and you suspect he spends all his time talking to someone, verify whether he is actually cheating on you. Is it just some friendly banter and a chat over text? Could he be talking to a coworker he’s collaborating on a project with? Or is he really cheating on you online? You need to dot your I’s and cross your T’s before you even begin contemplating how to confront a cheater. Take the next step only after you have done your due diligence. It is extremely important that you confirm the situation before because a false accusation can damage trust in your relationship for a long time.
2. Confront him
What to do when you find out your husband is cheating? Take a deep breath. We know how mad it makes you but let’s calm down a little bit. Find the right time mostly after you’ve tucked the kids away (if there are any in the picture) and just ask him point-blank. There are no easy answers to how to confront a cheater. You’re just going to have to rip the band-aid and be prepared to deal with whatever follows. You need to be clear in your mind about what to say to your cheating husband. This will keep the conversation from going off on unnecessary tangents. Don’t rake up past issues or hurl accusations about things you imagine he is doing. Stick to the facts you have verified. Don’t hint at it or beat around the bush – just ask him. Let the question take him by surprise to get an honest answer. A cheating husband will deny having an affair when asked about it but you will know from his expressions and body language. A little tip – notice whether he avoids looking into your eyes or looks straight at you when he answers your question. Also, pay attention to other tell-tale signs of lying like turning his back to you or touching one’s nose or scratching the face. Because you’re married to him, you might already have noticed these signs when he lies or tries to cover something up. Dealing with your lying husband without falling into the trap of his false assurances is a must for you to handle the issue of infidelity head-on.
3. Counseling is key
By now, you know that he cheated on you but do not understand why or how to deal with a cheating husband. This is the time to give your marriage some help. Do not shy away from consulting a couple’s counselor and try to bring out everything that you have buried deep and work through your issues. Nikita and Derek were about to part ways after she found out about his infidelity. There was no way she’d turn into one of those women who look the other way while their husbands cheat, she told herself. But there was a slight problem, deep-down she was struggling with how to deal with a cheating husband that you love. Despite the betrayal, Nikita couldn’t get over the feelings she had for Derek. “If only there were a switch-off button for emotions,” she rued. As a last attempt to save their marriage, they went to a counselor. It bore fruit. They successfully moved past the setback of infidelity and are happily married today. Bringing issues out of the closet will help you understand if something was missing in your relationship and can be worked on or if you’re to deal with a cheating husband who has made a compulsive habit of it. If counseling doesn’t sound like your cup of tea or you both are not on the same page about it, you could also deal with a cheating husband spiritually. If you’re religious, turn to a priest or a religious counselor to make sense of your emotions. Or you could explore options like meditation to find the peace and inner healing needed to deal with the pain of a cheating husband.
4. Don’t involve the kids, try not to involve your family
There is no rulebook on how to deal with a cheating husband but it must be done, for the sake of our own sanity and self-respect. The best way to deal with a cheating husband after the initial shock of it all wears off is to get a grip over your emotions. Think about how your reactions and how they affect the people you love, like your children and close family. If there are children involved, the best advice on how to deal with a cheating husband is to keep them out of the picture. By involving them in this emotionally volatile situation and trying to taint their perception of their father, you could scar them forever. Children’s minds are not evolved enough to make sense of and process such complex events and emotions the right way. The possibility that their parents’ marriage could end due to this incident can leave them feeling scared and insecure. For their sake, let things at home be as close to normal as can be. Don’t ignore your cheating husband in front of others. Don’t involve the kids or your extended family. It will only cause gossip and force people to take sides and that is never healthy. As tempting as it may be, now is not the time to ask yourself, “How to make my cheating husband suffer?” For the sake of your children and your family, choose to be the bigger person here. Yes, your unfaithful husband has left you feeling humiliated, hurt and disrespected by his actions but giving him a taste of his own medicine won’t ease your pain. Get rid of thoughts of revenge cheating or public humiliation. Instead, focus on your own healing and protecting your family from further hurt and damage.
5. Do not involve the other woman
One of the most important tips on how to deal with a cheating husband is to remember that this is between you and your husband. It may be tempting to confront the other woman and channel your feelings of hurt and anger toward her. Sure, calling her a home-wrecker and making her feel horrible about herself may even feel good in the moment. But what purpose will it serve? Calling her names isn’t going to undo the damage caused to your marriage. Irrespective of whether you know the woman your husband cheated on you with, stay away from her. Involving her in the matter will only make things ugly. Your battle is with your husband and not the other woman. In case you’re dealing with the unfortunate situation of your husband having affairs multiple times, then you have even more reason to be mindful of the fact that the other woman is not the problem here, your husband is. Come what may maintain your dignity. It’s possible to clear the air and not place the blame on a third person. When you feel the frustration and anger build up, look for other outlets to channel your overwhelming emotions. For instance, you could try meditation, it helps to deal with a cheating husband spiritually and get over infidelity pain.
6. Don’t blame yourself, don’t get defensive
Now, don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying that you’re in any way to blame for your unfaithful husband’s actions. Quite the opposite, actually. We’re asking you to not think go down the rabbit hole of blame and guilt as you struggle to figure out how to handle a cheating husband. We are so conditioned to put blame on the ‘other’ person in order to let go of what happened that when we are unable to do so, we internalize it and start blaming ourselves. We spoke to women who were cheated on by their husbands and most of them recalled moments of self-blame. “Maybe, it was my fault.”“All the cheating partner signs were there. I should have seen it coming.”“Maybe I’m not interesting enough.”“I’m not beautiful.”“He deserves better.”“Should I leave my husband for cheating? I feel like it was my fault.” Current studies of American couples indicate that 20 to 40% of heterosexual married men will have an extramarital affair during their lifetime. So, do yourself a favor and do not blame yourself. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent your husband from cheating on you. Not alone, anyway. While infidelity may be the outcome of underlying relationship issues, cheating is still a choice. A choice that your husband chose to make. So, don’t beat yourself up about it.
7. Let him have his say and listen
How to treat a cheating husband? We’d say with kindness and compassion even when your heart and mind are filled with nothing but anger and spite toward him. Yes, this may be easier said than done when your mind is swarming with so many thoughts and opinions – about him, about her, about yourself. Giving him a chance to share his side of the story and hearing him out may be the last thing you may want to do. However, not initiating a discourse around the incident can leave you stuck in the “my husband cheated and I can’t get over it” phase. When the initial rush has died down, maybe look at the situation in a different way. For a while, ignore your cheating husband and focus on the whys of his cheating. Although there is no excuse or reason to cheat, be prepared to listen to him as well. This can be helpful if the cheating was a one-off and you’re not dealing with a chronic case of your husband having affairs with multiple women. Cynthia Jared, vice-president of a bank, recalls sitting down for a coffee with her husband despite all the anger brewing inside her. She said, “Let’s forget for a moment that we’re married. Think of me as your best friend. Tell me, what happened?” Cynthia recalls this magical conversation that went on for hours and really lifted a lot of self-doubts for her. She told us, “I did not know whether I would be with this man or not, in the future but one thing was certain – I had embarked on the journey of forgiveness.” Asking the right questions to your unfaithful partner will help you understand them, and you will be able to cope better.
8. Don’t take revenge. Deal with a cheating husband spiritually
Revenge is ugly. Revenge is just immature. What makes us a bigger person is that we deal with it without stooping low and doing the same thing or something worse than what hurt us in the first place. When you first learn of your spouse’s infidelity, thoughts like “how to make my cheating husband suffer” or “how to hurt my cheating husband” may cross your mind. And that’s natural. What matters is whether or not you act on these thoughts. So, don’t waste your time and energy in coming up with a master plan to make your cheating husband suffer, instead focus on finding ways to deal with this bleak situation you find yourself in. If you cannot get over the pain, anger, and hurt stemming from his betrayal, try to deal with a cheating husband spiritually. Taking the spiritual path can help you make sense of all the conflicting and confusing emotions that leave you all riled up, unable to even look in your husband’s direction. Simple activities such as meditation and mindfulness can prove to be great anchors in these moments of inner turmoil. Once you find your inner wisdom, it will be able to guide you in the right direction.
9. Be respectful. No name-calling, please
Respectful? We know you must be thinking we’re crazy to even suggest such a thing when you’re dealing with this horrible situation. It can seem like one of the most impractical tips on how to deal with a cheating husband, but trust us when we say that it works. Name-calling in a relationship or saying hurtful things just to put one’s partner down – no matter what the situation – never helps. If there’s one thing we know for sure is that we do not. This approach proves beneficial if you are staying with someone who cheated on you. Instead of angry outbursts, name-calling and smashing things to the ground, approach the situation with an open mind. Don’t presume what happened and now, instead go in with a mindset that you do not know what really happened, whose fault it was. This is one of the healthiest solutions to your dilemma of how to handle a cheating husband and your marriage in the aftermath of cheating. You have at your hands a situation that needs to be resolved. Now, it’s up to you whether to make it ugly or deal with it gracefully. We’re sure you have too much ugliness in life already, so let’s go with the latter, okay?
10. Quit being a doormat
How to deal with a cheating husband? Let’s also talk about how not to deal with this situation and what not to put up with. This is just as crucial an aspect of the advice on how to deal with a cheating husband as knowing the right things to say and do. Don’t be under the impression that if you don’t acknowledge things or speak up, the situation will get swept under the carpet and never surface again. Speak up, confront him, do not blame yourself, quit being a doormat. Every woman deserves love, respect and loyalty, not being cheated on. Also, remember that your ability to deal with the pain of a cheating husband and make your relationship work again also depends on his reactions to the situation. You can hope to reconcile and make your marriage work only if he is genuinely remorseful and willing to make amends.
11. Time for some tough decisions
You have tried everything but there’s no solution in sight? “My husband cheated and I can’t get over it,” you may find yourself secretly admitting to yourself, even as the fate of your marriage hangs in the balance. Perhaps, you can’t stop visualizing him in bed with that other woman every time you get a moment to yourself. Maybe it is the fear that he has fallen in love with her that’s eating you up inside.
Whatever be the reason, you know better than we do that not being able to deal with the pain of a cheating husband is like living with constant, unrelenting stabbing pain. At this stage, you have some important decisions to make. Do you want to give your marriage another chance? If so, can you truly forgive your partner for cheating? Are you thinking of leaving your husband for cheating?
The final decision rests with you, of course. But our advice on how to deal with a cheating husband would be to make that decision sooner rather than later. Once you’ve had the chance to absorb and process the initial shock and pain, introspect and decide what you want to do next. Don’t keep dragging the relationship if your heart’s not in it. No good ever came out of flogging a dead horse.
12. Tell him to keep you informed about his whereabouts
When you find out your husband is cheating and to reestablish trust, ask him to keep you informed about his whereabouts throughout the day. Make him realize that what he did was serious and shattering. He has lost your trust completely. So, he has to work on it to rebuild it if he is dedicated to win you over again. However, don’t be too controlling and show him how composed you are. Let him realize the disastrous act he has done and its consequences. Rebuilding trust in a relationship after a setback as big as cheating isn’t easy. Both you and your spouse will have to do your bit to make it work. While he will have to commit to total honesty and transparency, you too will have to learn to let the reins loose and find a way to believe your husband when he tells you something.
13. Get tested for STDs
Now that we’ve covered the emotional aspects of how to cope with a cheating husband, let’s turn our attention to an important practical aspect of dealing with an unfaithful husband. Your husband has been sexually intimate with someone outside of your marriage, and there is a good chance that you’ve had some semblance of a sex life during this time. No matter how much your spouse emphasizes that he was ‘safe’, don’t take his word for it. Get yourself tested for STDs. In figuring out how to handle a cheating husband, do not neglect your own health and well-being. This becomes even more crucial if you’re dealing with a husband having affairs multiple times. Being married to a serial cheater kind of throws the possibility of protecting yourself from STDs out of the window. It’s in your best interest to seek medical intervention as early as possible. If you’ve decided to give your partner and your marriage another chance, then it’s imperative that you ask your husband to get tested too. This will ensure that you can resume having sex whenever you both feel ready without any fear or apprehension. The road to reconciliation after infidelity is marred with emotional baggage and trust issues, you don’t need the added burden of health concerns. So, get it out of the way as early as possible.
14. Forgive on your own terms
As you continue staying with someone who cheated on you, your husband might become guilty stricken and seek forgiveness. Having already decoded cheating partner signs in your partner, you might feel as if it will take forever. Take your time. Heal slowly and give yourself time to prepare for forgiveness. The betrayer has to understand that they can’t make haste to be forgiven and start things all over again with you afresh. Here you have to ignore your cheating husband and let him know that you are heartbroken and need time. Making a decision like this is easier said than done, but you need to give him an ultimatum and let him know that you will follow through. If you have not made up your mind about staying with someone who cheated on you and the ultimatum is just an empty threat, he’s never going to take you seriously and you’re likely going to end up in a similar situation again. Our final word of advice on how to deal with a cheating husband is to be strong emotionally to be able to make some tough decisions. Know that you’re strong and you deserve all the love and respect in the world. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Husbands cheat and so do wives. Relationships are not perfect. What matters though, is how you deal with these situations and grow into a better person with each one of them. Life is hard but maybe it’s trying to teach us a lesson?
